Thank You Notes: Using My Voice

"She's so quiet, hardly ever says a word" . .. those of you who know me can guess these words have NEVER been used to describe me. I think I might have started talking before I was home from the hospital. I was always a chatty child, getting in trouble for talking to my neighbors in grade school. I preferred to think of it as just being friendly - after all, we weren't sharing answers or anything, just visiting because we were already finished with the assignments.

From the time I was in second grade I was involved in theater - a place where having a good strong, LOUD, clear voice is appreciated, thank you very much! (I actually remember being pleased that in that context I wasn't considered loud, I just projected well. ) In high school I even competed in talking - well that isn't what it was called, but I ask you what else is a speech tournament?

Now I'm a minister - so some people might assume I talk for a living. And preaching is part of the story, but more of it is listening. However, I don't shy away from a chance to speak - whether from the pulpit or in a classroom. Heck, I even talk in my sleep.

But here is the thing - even though I don't seem to have a problem speaking, never have, I sometimes have a problem speaking up. Maybe it is because I am usually a rule follower, or because I tend to want things to go smoothly, or because I often assume someone else knows more about something than I do- whatever it is, I have found myself wishing that I had said more sooner in a few situations lately. They all relate to a person I have to work with regularly. And the frustrating thing has been that when I do speak up, when I have tried to make myself heard - it seems to fall on deaf ears. Which would be annoying enough, but THEN when it turns out I was right (ok, I'm not always right, but go with me here), when the dust settles and what I had to say would actually have made things better - it is as though I never said a word.

Now, I'm not hoping for a big scene wherein I am proclaimed wise and all knowing by this person. I'm not even looking for an apology for being ignored. But I would think that after a few times I might have a LITTLE bit more credibility there! Of course, when I take a deep breath and think about it, I cannot lay all the blame at that person's feet. I might have qualified my opinions a bit too much and undercut the strength of what I was saying. I might have waited too long to say something, hoping for just the right timing.

The thing is I get frustrated not only with this situation, but with myself. So the irony is that the loud girl has to find her voice. I have to figure out how, in this situation, to make myself heard even when it might make things difficult for me, even when it is hard, even when I have to shout to be heard. Because I do have to work with this person - and I CARE A LOT about my work. And I will NOT let this person's inability to hear me affect what it is we are hoping to do in our ministry here. So, I'm working on finding my voice, on speaking up, on speaking out, on making myself heard - even if my voice is trembling I will find a way to keep saying something.

The poet Taylor Mali (www.taylormali.com) has a little something to say about this - hope you enjoy it, it inspires me!