Using My Voice

"She's so quiet, hardly ever says a word" . .. those of you who know me can guess these words have NEVER been used to describe me. I think I might have started talking before I was home from the hospital. I was always a chatty child, getting in trouble for talking to my neighbors in grade school. I preferred to think of it as just being friendly - after all, we weren't sharing answers or anything, just visiting because we were already finished with the assignments.

From the time I was in second grade I was involved in theater - a place where having a good strong, LOUD, clear voice is appreciated, thank you very much! (I actually remember being pleased that in that context I wasn't considered loud, I just projected well. ) In high school I even competed in talking - well that isn't what it was called, but I ask you what else is a speech tournament?

Now I'm a minister - so some people might assume I talk for a living. And preaching is part of the story, but more of it is listening. However, I don't shy away from a chance to speak - whether from the pulpit or in a classroom. Heck, I even talk in my sleep.

But here is the thing - even though I don't seem to have a problem speaking, never have, I sometimes have a problem speaking up. Maybe it is because I am usually a rule follower, or because I tend to want things to go smoothly, or because I often assume someone else knows more about something than I do- whatever it is, I have found myself wishing that I had said more sooner in a few situations lately. They all relate to a person I have to work with regularly. And the frustrating thing has been that when I do speak up, when I have tried to make myself heard - it seems to fall on deaf ears. Which would be annoying enough, but THEN when it turns out I was right (ok, I'm not always right, but go with me here), when the dust settles and what I had to say would actually have made things better - it is as though I never said a word.

Now, I'm not hoping for a big scene wherein I am proclaimed wise and all knowing by this person. I'm not even looking for an apology for being ignored. But I would think that after a few times I might have a LITTLE bit more credibility there! Of course, when I take a deep breath and think about it, I cannot lay all the blame at that person's feet. I might have qualified my opinions a bit too much and undercut the strength of what I was saying. I might have waited too long to say something, hoping for just the right timing.

The thing is I get frustrated not only with this situation, but with myself. So the irony is that the loud girl has to find her voice. I have to figure out how, in this situation, to make myself heard even when it might make things difficult for me, even when it is hard, even when I have to shout to be heard. Because I do have to work with this person - and I CARE A LOT about my work. And I will NOT let this person's inability to hear me affect what it is we are hoping to do in our ministry here. So, I'm working on finding my voice, on speaking up, on speaking out, on making myself heard - even if my voice is trembling I will find a way to keep saying something.

The poet Taylor Mali (www.taylormali.com) has a little something to say about this - hope you enjoy it, it inspires me!

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

best friends

On this Valentine's day when there are hearts and flowers and chocolates all around I am grateful for friends. I have lots of friends in my life. It's a blessing really - the number of people who I care about and who care about me. And it isn't just the kind of "friend" that counts because you read their facebook status updates (altho that has been a delightful way to reconnect with folks I must admit). No these are not the kind of people one might "un-friend". These are the folks who I know I can call at 3a.m. if I need to talk. We can talk about what we hope for, what we are disappointed about, the things that we would just burst if we couldn't share them with someone, and the things we wish weren't happening at all. We talk with one another when we can, send round-robin emails to catch up with one another, and just keep talking and laughing and crying and sharing and caring in one big ol' conversation that has now lasted for well over twenty years.

I remember when I was a kid worrying that I didn't have a "best friend". It seemed to me like all the folks in the books I read, on the tv shows I saw, in all the good movies, had a bff. Someone with whom they shared EVERYTHING. That wasn't my reality. I had friends, people to hang out with and play with - there were lots of Barbie dolls and pretend shows. There were sleepovers and birthday parties and fun memories. But it wasn't until I was older that I started finding forever friends.

Some of them were people I had known for a long time, but it wasn't until we were all older that we truly got to know one another. Some of them were people I met in college. People who seemed to speak the same language. Even though we were from different places, different family situations, studying different subjects - we could talk and laugh and cry together. This tribe is one where I have always felt free to be exactly who I am - and I love all of them for exactly who they are, too.

There are lots of songs and poems and cheezy cards being circulated today celebrating romantic love. To be clear, I'm a fan of that, too. But I think we sometimes undervalue the gift of real friends. So on this Valentine's day, I'm thankful for the genuine love of good friends because, near of far, I cannot imagine life without them!